This week’s episode was emotionally intense for myself and Dom. We revealed trauma that we encountered in our past; trauma that we hadn’t even revealed to our parents. Most people who endure sexual abuse or assault don’t tell anyone when it happens and half of them may never reveal what they have been through. I use to be one of those people. I had been holding my secret for years before I decided to tell someone, who wasn’t my mother.
After 25 years, I finally found the courage to tell my mama the biggest secret I had been keeping from her, that her baby girl had been violated by people she trusted. Revealing this information was intentional but when it came out was accidental. I don’t advise speaking your truth while drunk or under any influence, but that is exactly what happened. It was a day of drinking, when I got to the house the first thing I did was check on my mama. We were talking about God knows what but I blurted out, “I have something to tell you, but you have to promise you won’t blow up and understand this is something I don’t need you to fix.” Of course her immediate facial reaction was fear, but she obliged and I finally let her know.
It was an intense moment and she had a lot of questions but there were no answers that would ease the hurt she felt. In that moment, the roles reversed. I was the mother and she the daughter. Being that I had healed from the situation I needed to help her heal. I needed to reassure her that she did everything right as a mother, the unfortunate events that happened to me were on the hands of the abusers and just a portion of my journey. What took place did not define the person I am today.
Honestly, after sharing the truth and tears with my mother a weight had been lifted. There was no longer a dreadful truth lingering in the shadows of my journey. I could breathe.
Healing is a process that can not be rushed. It took me almost 15 years before I felt comfortable about telling someone what happened to me and it took another 5-6 years before I could even tell my mama. It takes time to understand the trauma you’ve been through and even more time to work through it.
Be patient with yourself, you deserve that at least.
Peace & Blessings,